What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 06:55
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My life is so biszare .
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I have no regrets .
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What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What melts your heart every time without fail?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Im still living with it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He resisted the act ,that day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I write beautiful poetry .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.